PJ’s Diary: Toddler For Hire

I think it’s time I start earning my keep. Well, not really, but there’s more than enough cute to go around and why should Mommy & Daddy get all the fun? So here I am, your Toddler For Hire!

Previous Experience:

Toddler @ {Name Redacted} Residence, PA
Sept 14 – Present 

Responsibilities Included:

– Iced Tea Inspector. I can tell you with a high degree of certainty whether your iced tea is sodium deficient and correct the error by adding an appropriate (to me) number of salty chips. In the case of a total loss, I can throw the entire glass into your lap and make it look like you peed your pants. You’re welcome.

– Grocery Helper. Eggs make such a lovely crunching sound when they are thrown from a conveyor belt to the tile floor. Or at least I imagine they do, my last boss was a mean lady who stopped me from trying it.

– Cat Twirler. I grab their tails and hold on. Sometimes they pull me around the room, sometimes I pull them. We’re a team like that and it’s always fun – for me.

– Tight Space Explorer. Did you know that a 1.5 year old fits perfectly in the shelf under the TV where my Pooh bear player lives? Neither did Mommy.

Special Skills:

Communication: I conveniently warn you when I’m about to do something bad by telling myself “NOOOOOO.” Then I do it anyway. I said I communicate, not that I listen.

Horror Movie Sound Effects: I can scream like nobody’s business. Just ask the doggies next door.

Lovin: I give GREAT hugs. And kisses. Did you know Eskimos kiss with their noses? Mommy taught me that. She gives good hugs too. And she kisses my boo boos when I fall off stuff or into dry bathtubs. And she gives me yogurts and animal crackers and let’s me play puppy games on her phone.

Hmmmm….

Application withdrawn. Mommy, can I have a hug?

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PJ’s Diary: Declaring Independence

Listen, Mommy, we needs to talk. I’m getting all growed up now, and I think it’s time for me to move out. Thanks for teaching me everything I need to know!

I can feed myself now…

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And brush my teeth…

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I’m getting real good at crawling, when the cabinets don’t jump out and bite me. I even gots my own house to come home to after parties!

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I can work like you…

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And I even know how to turn on my fishie lamp!

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So I guess that’s everything, right? Thanks for all the yummy snacks…

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Except the eggs, I didn’t like those at all! I’ll be back for the stories…

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But I think I’m ready to take on the world!

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Just one thing before I hit the road…do you think you could be a pal and change this diaper?

PJ’s Diary: Winter Decathlon Standings

I don’t get all this #SochiProblems stuff – MY Winter Olympiad is going swimmingly. I just received my standings from the Baby Olympic Committee (BOC) and I’d say my medal hopes are good.

Event 1: Cheerio Curling

Currently in first place. My sweepers, Roxie and Velma, have done an excellent job helping me get my missiles right on the button.

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Event 2: Cross Country Crawling

Mommy keeps stopping me just when I’m about to break my records – no fair!

Event 3: Mirror Dancing

Going well, but getting some stiff competition from that handsome boy in the moose onesie.

Event 4: Couch Skeleton

Again, blocked by Mommy. The BOC really ought to do something about the lousy officiating in this house.

Event 5: Bouncer Jumping

My best hopes for an individual medal. I shall bounce bounce bounce and make Tigger proud.

Event 6: Toy Hockey

Naiiillled it. Call me PJ Oshie!

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Event 7: Floor Slaloms

One unfortunate wipeout this morning but Mommy kissed it and got me back in the running. BOC complaint withdrawn…for now.

Event 8: Carseat Bobsled

I don’t like this one, but at least I look cute in my uniform, right?

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Event 9: Speed Crawling

An unfortunate third place ranking. Those kitties are FAST!

Event 10: Marathon Sleeping

Disqualified.  I just get so huuuuungry!

Altogether, I think I’ve got a strong program here. Mommy says she’ll give me a gold medal if I quit trying so hard at Couch Skeleton.

Hmmmmm…..naaaah!

PJ’s Diary: Go, Baby, Go!

Guess what guess what guess what!  If I stick my hiney in the air, and reeeeach out with my hands, and shuffle my knees, I can crawl. I know, I couldn’t believe it either! But then I saw all my toys on the shelf and I just had to go get them.

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And then…get this…I found out that it works in other rooms too. Crazy fun! I found a doorstop in my bedroom…

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A leftover Cheerio in the kitchen…

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And I even played hide and seek with my kitty friend Velma! Where is she? I can’t find her anywhere!

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Tomorrow, I think I’m gonna try finding out where Mommy keeps all my yummy snacks!

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Mmmmmm…coookies.

PJ’s Diary: Emergency Room

When I woke up this morning, I just wanted Mommy to feed me. But when I tried to yell and tell her, only the coughs came out. And when I breathed I went “Woooohoooo” like a whistle.

I thought it was pretty funny, but Mommy packed me right up in my car seat and we went out in the snow. I wanted to play in it again, but Mommy said “No way José! We are going to the doctor’s! ” It took a long time to get there since there was lots of snow, but we made it!

The emergency room wasn’t so bad. I had my toys to play with:
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And I made new friends!
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Sometimes new friends have to use a machine to suck the boogies out of your nose, did you know that? I didn’t know that and I didn’t like it one little bit when I found out! But then he gived me this fun thing to play with and we were cool again.
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After we went home, Mommy tried to give me the funny tube to breathe and I didn’t want it at all. I threw a great big fit, I’m good at those!

Mommy says she doesn’t want to go back to the emergency room for a long, long time, but I don’t see why not – they have fun things there and I feel sooooo much better when I leave!

PJ’s Diary: New Year’s resolutions…for Mom

Being sick is no fun. Ever since Friday I been coughing and coughing. My doctor says I have an infection in my lungs from all my slimy teething snot – yuuuucky! I’m supposed to gets lots of rest and fluids, so me and Mommy had lots of time to talk.
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While I been resting, Mommy telled me about New Year’s resolutions, and trying to do better in the new year. Well, Santa brought me and Mommy both new laptops, so I’m going to tell her a few things I think better change around here!

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#1 – No more green beans! They’re yucky and they make me poop funny colors. Next!

#2 – While we are talking about food, I think you should feed me more often. More snacks! More snacks! More snacks!

#3 – Install more milk dispensers. When I chomp Mommy anywhere, anytime, I expect milk. Only two working dispensers on all of Mommy? How rude!

#4 – Let’s talk about bedtime. Last night, you tried to put me to bed when there was a party going on. No fair!

#5 – More paper. Crinkly, soggy, colorful, lovely paper. Please stock up!

#6 – Table manners. There really should be more kissing allowed. Especially when I am covered in gunk or you are trying to chew.

#7 – No more shots! They give me the owies. But the cuddles afterwards are nice, we can keep those.

#8 – More playing! I don’t care if the dishes are messy, honest!

#9 – More toys that sing to me – I just love to dance.

#10 – Teach me lots and lots this year, I want to know all about crawling and walking, and talking, and siiiiiinnnnngggging!

I love you, Happy New Year!